How I have Changed

My vacation was outstanding. Thanks to all you assholes who didn't show up to hunt, I had to drink all that booze myself and a darling little angel had to put up with me drunk. She is what made my vacation so grand, even though I spent my days and evenings sitting alone waiting for her, the nights with her were worth it. I had her at the tips of my fingers but I let her get away do to my vices. My worst vice is I am a flirt, and a little drinking ties with going to strip clubs. I grew up very distant from my mother and I was never popular with the ladies as a young man, that is until I earned the title. The Marine Corps help me find my confidence and made me more of a social being. So in order to replace the affection I didn't get from my mother I sought attention from women. I love to have the ladies' attention, and 99 percent of the time it is just talking to them and listening to them laugh. I love it when the turn their heads and I can smell their perfumed hair. I love women, which I think is a healthy thing in males, but I am a little too much of a flirt. If the right person would come my way I still wouldn't drop all my bad behavior. Not changing who I am, I will just flirt with that significant other, and maybe the occasional waitress or bank teller. Those gals are use to it. There is so much I can say about this certain gal, but if any of you are somewhat intelligent you can figure it out. My, what a vacation I had. Now I am depressed I am back in Arizona and I am lonely again and I believe I have lost the attention of this certain very special lady. Seek and I will find, love and I will lose. The story of my life.
I don't eat like I should, this bachelor lifestyle is getting to me. I am not very good at meeting new people, and frankly I think the majority of people are idiots. God hasn't graced me with being able to meet someone who is not totally shallow and stupid. Fucking Reality Television has some of the blame. Really which one of you dumb asses watches that shit? I just want to meet some new friends that get my humor and are local. Only people that are forced to be around me ever get to know me well enough to like me. My one friend suggested I tone it down until they get to know me, I might have to follow up on that suggestion. I guess I am not a likeable guy, I must be intimidating or something? I like me just fine, shouldn't everyone else? That is going to be my new years resolution, to make some friends when I get back from vacation. That is going to be equal to quitting smoking or losing weight to some of you that don't quite know me as well. Well fuck me, I hope I can make some new friends.
I am talking about woman love, not man love, and definitely not that life changing Two Girls One Cup love. I feel as if I lack the capacity to love someone in the cliche manner. I have had women give me their love, but I don't think it was unconditional. I have never loved anyone unconditionally, except Jesus. I am sure that I would be the last person to ask about love, besides Dennis. I can tell you I loved some people, but they died. Maybe I am one of those people that can't love because they are scared. Also the people that were suppose to love me and protect me where the ones beating me when I was just a little kid. What would Freud say? Probably my mommy didn't love me enough. She did, just a little too late. I don't know what is going on and I am lost. Don't ask me about love. I can tell you all about angst and mania and all kinds of crazy shit. I love my kids, but how can I not, they are so little and cute. Don't ask me about love, I can tell you all about XXXXXXX and XXXX XXXXXX. Love is a weapon, I know weapons. Love is a deadly weapon, I have only been on the receiving end of a few times. Tell me, where am I going wrong?